That's Deep.

Yesterday, Sunday, was an off day for me. If you follow the blog on Twitter then you already know it was a day for hockey and a workout. Today was pretty shitastic. On Friday my commute home took me almost 5 hours due to our city's lovely road crews who did shit. The interstate was a flipping mess and to make it even worse the closed down roads that were being used as an out. So this morning was no different. Freezing rain and snow made the morning commute another shitfest. Although it wasn't a 5 hour delay, being an hour late to work is bad enough. If I never have to sit in miles worth of traffic again, that would be great.

Okay, I'm done with bitching.

In my middle school/ high school years, I battled with depression hardcore. Just a bunch of crap for a different post..Anyways, I've been able to get in control of my depression pretty well until recently. Lately, The depression I've worked so hard to overcome, is slowly but surely creeping back. I don't want to be around people, I hate going into work, I don't want to work out..All I want to do is sleep and watch Netflix. WHAT GIVES?  Unfortunately, no one in my family quite understands and it's not their fault. But I wish they would understand that my depression has a lot to do with my irritability. It's the reason why I snap at stupid things or stay quiet for days at a time. It's not fair to them but I can't help it. My mindset is so screwy when I'm having a "depression" day. The loneliness that follows is sometimes so unbearable, I cry myself to sleep. To make it all worse on those days it seems like every problem/failure is magnified.

I can't be the only person who feels this way at times.
Do you?
How do you cope?

Leave me a comment, lovelys!

Hello? Prince Charming?

I'm 1000% sure every woman goes through this in their life...the pain in the ass task of finding a decent man worth taking home to your parents. If you really think about it, it shouldn't be that hard. But for me, it's been nearly impossible! I, for one, consider myself pretty old fashioned. I like to get to know a person before jumping in the sack with them and well, it just seems as though men these days are all about the hanky panky. What is with that?! Please tell me I'm not alone when saying that? I've kidded myself by joining a few dating sites. HA! If I didn't re-read the website address, I would have thought I was on some amateur booty call site. It's ridiculous. Now, I'm not taking away from all the genuine men out there because I'm sure there are but, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? DID I NOT GET THE MEMO?! Pick up Prince Charming, Aisle Three! Man, alive. The other thing against me in this whole find a soulmate thing, I'm not a size zero nor do I look like Megan Fox or that chick from Pirates of the Caribbean. SIGH. Good looks and materialistic things have taken over the love scene essentially. Well guess what? That is straight BULLSHIT. You could have the most stunningly beautiful woman standing in front of you but she has the personality of a door snob. Who wants to live with that for the rest of their life? Hello, she isn't going to look like forever, sweetheart.

Yikes!

Why not find someone who will pull on your heart strings and make you smile every morning waking up next to them?

I'm going out on a limb here and blame all the books I read for my high standards in a relationship. Not all the relationships I read about are perfect or are meant to be, for that. But they are real life stuff, not fairytale, like Prince Charming and Snow White up there. One where people over come their differences and battle their own demons to see what matters the most in a person. Their inside beauty, their personality, their sense of caring, their sense of reality. That what I want to find. Someone who is going to love me for ME. Not what I look like or how much money I make or what car I drive.
..and if I fail at finding that, then I guess I'll just become a crazy cat lady.

and I don't even like cats.

How you perfected the tricks of the trade to finding the right guy?

Care to share you story about failed/successful soulmate acquiring?

Leave me a comment, lovelys!

OCD

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).

Alright, so I'm not totally OCD but when it comes to certain things/situations, look out. The funny thing is, these compulsions came on as I got older. I can't really explain why, I just do it.  No I don't do the wash your hands a million times or open and close the door repeatedly. Mine is more out of phobia.

CSFGirl's OCD List

(lists are joyful..they help organize everything)

• picking out the middle plastic plate or cup
• checking the time every 5 minutes (my worst, causing uber anxiety)
• placing my electronics a certain way
• if I'm making dinner (or any food at that) and someone adds or messes with it, I have to start over
• I have to eat with a large fork not a small fork(strange, I know!)
• I worry and stress out of anything and everything

There are a lot of other things that bug the shit out of me. For instance, if I can hear you eating, please just move away. I don't like when people rub your back when giving a hug. I could honestly go on and on. I usually shrug off my "OCD" but lately I've noticed it has been a burden. My parents get super annoyed with me, people at work think I'm being rude or ignorant when I check the times during a conversation, my sister gets pissed when I flip because she moved something of mine. The best of them all, I cry myself to sleep from all the worry and stress of the day. It sucks, at times, or all the time.  

WHY CAN'T I JUST GO BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF A CAREFREE LITTLE KID EATING POPSICLES AND PLAYING OUTSIDE. 

Phew, glad I got that off my chest. I laugh every time I think about when I was younger how I couldn't wait to get older. Now I want to go the opposite way. Life was so much easier. 

Do you have any OCDs?

Do they drive you nuts too?

Leave me a comment, lovelys!

 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.

Almost three years since I've started my "lifestyle change" and I still struggle with the mirror. Although this may be the case with every woman, it's seems to plague us curvier women more. It's easy to smile at the compliments or absorb the praise of a job well done but it all really comes down to how you feel about yourself. Every time I look in the mirror, I see my old overweight self.

Specialists call this "phantom fat” or the phenomenon of feeling fat and unacceptable after weight loss. GREAT. Another problem/phobia/phenomenon to add to the list. But in all seriousness, MSNBC did an article on this back in 2009. I stumbled upon this article after Googling why I hate looking at myself in the mirror. 

The article interviewed a woman from Virginia, Kellylyn Hicks. She says in the article, “It's been really hard to change my self-image,” says Hicks, 37, of Chesapeake, Va. “I still feel like I'm this enormous person who takes up tons of space.” It's like Kellylyn read my damn mind. "People who were formerly overweight often still carry that internal image, perception, with them," says Elayne Daniels, a psychologist in Canton, Mass., who specializes in body-image issues. "They literally feel as if they’re in a large body still."

After reading through the entire article, which you can find here, Doctor Daniels goes on to say that we have to let our brains "catch up". What if our brains never catch up?

Do you feel or ever feel this way? How do you cope with it?
Leave me a comment, lovelys!

Introducing, CSF Girl!

Hello there! If you are looking to read the rants and raves of a 23 year old (soon to be formerly) fat girl on the struggles of daily life, then you are in the right place! For the past two years, I've been trying desperately to change my lifestyle only to fall right back into my dirty, unhealthy, devilish habits. I LOVE food and I'm not afraid to say it. I just have to learn what and what not to eat. Now you mean be thinking, "Okay, screw this, just another dumbass with a weight loss blog," although to some extent you may be right, this blog won't just to about weight loss, it will be about LIFE. Life and all it's swift kicks to the shins and it's triumphant moments.
On a serious note, I do hope you join me through this crazy journey, because without you, I wouldn't be doing this!